i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
