I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
