my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
