part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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