Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
