Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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