she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
