i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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