just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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