i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
