I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
