yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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