wrigley field is MILF paradise
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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