I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
