he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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