i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
