how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
