U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
