He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize