i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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