The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
