all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize