found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
