Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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