wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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