I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
