I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
