I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
