i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
