The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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