yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
