watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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