Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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