If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
