He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
