You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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