She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
