I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
