Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
