im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
