So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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