Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
