Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
