hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
