i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
