Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize