he told me I talked like a deaf person
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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