Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize