my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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