i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
