I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
