Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
