I met the friendliest cop last night
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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