Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
