Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
