Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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