brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
this beer tastes like vomit already
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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