i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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