I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
