I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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