Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
