So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
