i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
